Hi, I came to a full realization today that I am an emotional compulsive eater. The last few weeks, I have been noticing that my attention span has greatly reduced, I am less aware of other people and their lives. I have become more "It is all about me" centric. When I go to sleep, it is fitful and I wake up very depressed and first thing I do is I go and find something to eat.
This evening after I took a nap, I woke up and I immediately realized that my first thought was "what shall I eat?" So I asked myself why do I need to eat, I wasn't hungry. I became aware that I was feeling so alone. So I got up and took a shower and I kept up with the inner dialogue, giving myself permission to be open.
I found out that my fear of rejection wasn't based on silly thing. It was based on events that has happened in my life. When I was a kid, my grandparents always took my brother with them, they did everything they wanted with him. My mom got mad at them many times but they said "We can't handle him, he doesn't understand us." My deafness was a problem. When I cried or got upset about this, my mom would take me to store so I could get donuts and chocolate milk, or to McDonald's.
Then I was 5 years old, we didn't celebrate my birthday cuz I had to be at the deaf school the day before my birthday. I felt like no one loved me because they forgot my birthday. I complained to my teacher that I did not have a birthday cake. She brought a birthday cake that afternoon. I had a party but my family wasn't there.
By age 8, I gained so much weight that the kids were taunting me about it. I hated being at the deaf school. Everytime I went home, I cried myself to sleep. I kept telling my parents I did not want to go back to the deaf school but they always made me. At first I would cry in their presence at school, I began to realized that crying wasn't doing any good. So I saved the tears until I was alone. That year, a staff person caught me crying in shower. She took advantage of that. She humiliated me. That was when I would do anything to get her attention because I craved for it. I felt like I was someone around her. It didn't matter that I got punished twice for the same thing, it didn't matter that she would make me wait until the shower room was empty before letting me take a shower. She would sit at the entrance of the shower room and watch me take a shower.
I kept eating more and more to cover up my tears, my emptiness, my pain and my anger. But I couldn't hide my anger, so I lashed out, I fought, sometime sought for trouble so that I could get some attention. I got some counseling. The counselor said "You asked for those things, it is all your fault." I believed him. I was too hard for the staff at the deaf school to handle me, so I was moved from a dorm of my peers to high school dorm, guys who were 6 to 10 years older than me. God, I was so scared. I behaved, some of those guys took me under their wings and protected me. My mom got mad at the deaf school for doing that to me so she took me out and put me in our local public school.
Things changed, but for the worse. If I wasn't careful enough to do what my parents wanted me to do, I would have been beaten up, whipped, yelled at and sometime I got hurt so bad that I wouldn't go to school for a couple of days because of the bruises or cuts. All that time, my weight kept going up and up and up. I got punished for being overweight by the school, my parents and my grandparents. One year, I only had one pair of shoes while my brother had six pairs of shoes. I only had 2 pairs of jeans bought at wal-mart while my brother had 5 pairs of Levi 501. I had same set of shirts all the way through high school with occassional new shirts here and there. Only bought pants when the old jeans finally gave up its last thread. My parents made me pay rent, my share of food, bills when I was 16. My brother never had to do that. My parents loved my brother, they would do anything for him. They would have moved the earth to give what he wanted while I had to fight with them to give me what I needed.
When I was 16 years old, I was ready to end my life. But for some reason, I found this glimmer of hope that Life would be better, so I kept going, never once thought of suicide as an option when I wanted to give up. from age 21 to now, I have made choices that didn't give me what I was looking for. I had a relationship for 18 months and I threw it away because he and I were having some disagreements and I didn't want to get hurt because I have been hurt so many times. Since then I have not been in a relationship. I haven't finished college although it has been one of my most important goal since I was 22 years old, but certainly I don't feel I deserve the college degree so unconsciously I sabtoged my opportunity to complete school. Do I hate myself for that, yes. Do I hate myself for lot of reasons, yes. Do I love myself enough to do something about it. The answer is YES, that glimmer of hope that I saw when I was 16 is here with me right now.
I am an emotional compulsive eater and I need help.
This evening after I took a nap, I woke up and I immediately realized that my first thought was "what shall I eat?" So I asked myself why do I need to eat, I wasn't hungry. I became aware that I was feeling so alone. So I got up and took a shower and I kept up with the inner dialogue, giving myself permission to be open.
I found out that my fear of rejection wasn't based on silly thing. It was based on events that has happened in my life. When I was a kid, my grandparents always took my brother with them, they did everything they wanted with him. My mom got mad at them many times but they said "We can't handle him, he doesn't understand us." My deafness was a problem. When I cried or got upset about this, my mom would take me to store so I could get donuts and chocolate milk, or to McDonald's.
Then I was 5 years old, we didn't celebrate my birthday cuz I had to be at the deaf school the day before my birthday. I felt like no one loved me because they forgot my birthday. I complained to my teacher that I did not have a birthday cake. She brought a birthday cake that afternoon. I had a party but my family wasn't there.
By age 8, I gained so much weight that the kids were taunting me about it. I hated being at the deaf school. Everytime I went home, I cried myself to sleep. I kept telling my parents I did not want to go back to the deaf school but they always made me. At first I would cry in their presence at school, I began to realized that crying wasn't doing any good. So I saved the tears until I was alone. That year, a staff person caught me crying in shower. She took advantage of that. She humiliated me. That was when I would do anything to get her attention because I craved for it. I felt like I was someone around her. It didn't matter that I got punished twice for the same thing, it didn't matter that she would make me wait until the shower room was empty before letting me take a shower. She would sit at the entrance of the shower room and watch me take a shower.
I kept eating more and more to cover up my tears, my emptiness, my pain and my anger. But I couldn't hide my anger, so I lashed out, I fought, sometime sought for trouble so that I could get some attention. I got some counseling. The counselor said "You asked for those things, it is all your fault." I believed him. I was too hard for the staff at the deaf school to handle me, so I was moved from a dorm of my peers to high school dorm, guys who were 6 to 10 years older than me. God, I was so scared. I behaved, some of those guys took me under their wings and protected me. My mom got mad at the deaf school for doing that to me so she took me out and put me in our local public school.
Things changed, but for the worse. If I wasn't careful enough to do what my parents wanted me to do, I would have been beaten up, whipped, yelled at and sometime I got hurt so bad that I wouldn't go to school for a couple of days because of the bruises or cuts. All that time, my weight kept going up and up and up. I got punished for being overweight by the school, my parents and my grandparents. One year, I only had one pair of shoes while my brother had six pairs of shoes. I only had 2 pairs of jeans bought at wal-mart while my brother had 5 pairs of Levi 501. I had same set of shirts all the way through high school with occassional new shirts here and there. Only bought pants when the old jeans finally gave up its last thread. My parents made me pay rent, my share of food, bills when I was 16. My brother never had to do that. My parents loved my brother, they would do anything for him. They would have moved the earth to give what he wanted while I had to fight with them to give me what I needed.
When I was 16 years old, I was ready to end my life. But for some reason, I found this glimmer of hope that Life would be better, so I kept going, never once thought of suicide as an option when I wanted to give up. from age 21 to now, I have made choices that didn't give me what I was looking for. I had a relationship for 18 months and I threw it away because he and I were having some disagreements and I didn't want to get hurt because I have been hurt so many times. Since then I have not been in a relationship. I haven't finished college although it has been one of my most important goal since I was 22 years old, but certainly I don't feel I deserve the college degree so unconsciously I sabtoged my opportunity to complete school. Do I hate myself for that, yes. Do I hate myself for lot of reasons, yes. Do I love myself enough to do something about it. The answer is YES, that glimmer of hope that I saw when I was 16 is here with me right now.
I am an emotional compulsive eater and I need help.
posted by Tomas at
9:54 PM
