I have been thinking a lot today about my recent dating experience. Doing something like thinking about relationships or something that may put me in a position of making an assumption about what the other person may think is a bit dangerous. However the thinking got me to the point of remembering this person saying that he had to break up with me because I was "too good to be true." What kind of excuse is that? That blew me away. Of course I never really processed that until the last few days and today "Too good to be true" kept running across my mind over and over like that red flashing LCD thing. I bet subconsciously the message sunk in and really screwed me up big time. I probably have been depressed and struggling with this break up for a while, especially when I keep thinking "What's wrong with me, am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I not smart enough?" and so on.

I am driving myself crazy feeling like a loser because I am too good to be true. Because this wrecked a havoc on my self-esteem, it made me question my self-image and I became my own worst enemy...The Judge. Oh, the judge nitpicked everything about my body, my weight, and everything about me. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I am a good person, that I am a person of worth, I was and am created for a special purpose. I am a special person. Perhaps this affirmation saved my self-image.

Not only did I save my self-image, I transformed it from the Beast to Junior Gorg. When I think about myself as Junior Gorg. My shoulders are pushed back, I sit taller and I smile. I become light inside as I become full of air and my chest swells up with pride. I just got goosebumps as I wrote this paragraph. I feel GOOD about this positive look at myself. It is amazing for me to feel this way and I am not depending on others to make me feel good about myself. They don't have to live with my body, they don't have to live with anything that is part of me, but I do have to because all those parts of me makes ME who I am.

Once I realize that I need to appreciate all parts of me, that makes me see the big picture that I need to accept myself for who I am so I can appreciate me and build up my self-esteem through that. Self-esteem, on the bottom line, is the total sum of self-image, self-acceptance, self-awareness, and everything that starts with self, practically. I can only hope that the domino effect of this will help me reach to a point of living my life with respect and love for myself and that every step I take, it is filled with confidence that I can do anything I want and be successful at that.

I decided to make another entry today because it has to do with self-awareness. I took a nap and I ended up having a dream about the puppet show "Fraggle Rock" that was created by Jim Henson. That dream boggled my mind because all the sudden I because that Junior Gorg (baby giant character.) I can't remember their names so I googled for their names. However to describe who I am talking about, they had the Trash Heap in the backyard that the fraggles are always going to for advises and all. I was Junior Gorg and when I woke up, I felt strange because I thought Junior Gorg was cute back then. I actually liked him.

Why is this revelation significant? When I first went to counseling back in Summer 2000, I told my counselor that I felt like I am a beast from The Beauty and the Beast. He asked me why I felt that way. It was hard to explain why I felt that way however the bottomline was I did not like the way I was and I was angry about it. But now I feel different, I feel happier with myself. I am okay, I may be something different. I may be a big guy that some people find repulsive that that is their loss because I am a nice person and I do hope that some will take the time to get to know me. If they don't. That is okay because I still got me.

I was reading Make the Connection by Bob Greene and Oprah Winfrey and this sentence grabbed my attention.

"Only when you have self-awareness can you achieve self-acceptance"

So I decided to look up what self-awareness means. According to Merriam Webster Online dictionary (www.m-w.com), self means the union of elements (as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person. Awareness means: Having or showing realization, perception or knowledge. So by combining both definition, we arrive at a basic logic that self-awareness means having realization of the union of elements that constitute the individuality and identity of self.

With the definition in place, I decided to look back and see what my self-awareness of me was like when I was a child. I had a sense of disappointment and sadness because I am deaf and my parents are deaf, but my brother and the rest of the family weren't deaf. I felt like an outcast. I couldn't really communicate with my family well, and it didn't help that I went to the deaf school and rarely was home between age 5 to 11. It was a hard blow to me when my mom yelled at my brother "You know Tommy doesn't live here during the school year. You can't expect him to have friends here, so go play with him." When I was 11, I kept getting in so much trouble at the deaf school that the principal suggested to my parents that I might do better if I went to public school. Of course I did well in public school, I was all alone, no other deaf friends. I had maybe 2 or 3 friends until high school years and had no friends the entire 4 years except for 2 in my senior year.

As I moved into my 20's most of the things I can remember revolved around my weight. It was like the elephant in the living room. I wanted to avoid it but most people wouldn't let me forget about it. I did manage to lose a lot of weight in 1997 and in 1999-2000. However I gained it all back and more. I slipped into severe depression about my weight when my dad died in 203. Finally when time was approaching to my 30th birthday, I decided enough is enough, I want to lose weight. My doctor referred me to a dietician and as we were talking about food. She said "You have issues with food, have you thought about going counseling?" It was like a light bulb going on above my head. Now I am more aware of my emotions and connecting that to my eating habits. I am getting better about not eating when I am emotional.

Now that I am spending time taking care of myself by exercising and watching what I am eating, I think I have achieved some level of self-awareness that leads to some level of self-acceptance. From the same book, Make the Connection another line comes up that reminds me what I am doing. "And remember, out of self-acceptance comes self-love". This is exactly what I want to do and I am going to work on this so that I can love myself and actually have a life that I am happy with.

I concluded yesterday's post with a comment that I need to think about what I wrote. I have been thinking about it and I wrote down some stuff that I have been thinking about. I am hoping to share my thoughts through this blog and maybe get some comments from others.

Most of us live our lives surrounded with conditional love that has made us internalize a message that we aren't good enough at that moment as who we are. Instead we are told that we need to do something, or change something or be something else that. Now I wonder why I have hard time accepting myself as who I am. For a long time I couldn't look in the mirror and acknowledge me as a person that is worthy to be me because I had so much conditions on myself. "If I can only be 200 lbs thinner...", "only if I wasn't so fat.." and all that.

However that is changing because I am feeling better about myself by going to the gym and working out. I have lost 35 lbs in 6 months and now I look in the mirror as often as I can to appreciate my work. My shoulders, biceps, and pecs are developing and I am happy with that. Sometime I catch myself saying "Wow, I am cute" and when I look at my calves, I say "Mmm, so sexy!"

Is that a step towards self-acceptance? I would think so because I am appreciating myself for what I have accomplished in the past 6 months and I am taking care of myself more than I have in the past. I may not yet have changed my mindset from "I wish I could..." to "I am..." yet but I am getting there. Now the next thing I will know is that I will have someone who accepts me for me. It is a nice thing however I realized that I can't depend on others' acceptance to make me feel good. I need to feel good about myself through my own acceptance of myself. Others bear no responsibility in making me happy or making my life complete. I am ultimately the sole person who is responsible for all that.

Self-acceptance is a process. It took a while to get to the point where I internalized the message that I am not worthy of anything and that I shouldn't accept myself as who I am. So I have to reverse all that by eliminating the old habits and old thoughts and make new thoughts that tells me that I am a great person and worthy of whatever I want to do.

This time around, I think I am going to be bold and just tell people when they criticize me for my weight, my look or whatever by saying "Look, I like who I am, and I am a good person. If you don't like it, then HIT the damn road, Jack and don't come back no more!"

Love

What is love? I have always tried to figure it out because I feel like I am missing something great in Life. Love, to, me seems like a fairy tale that needs to be examined. Oftentimes I feel like that everyone has a chance to live with Love while I have been denied of that opportunity.

I dream and hope that love is a big and special thing in life and that if a person has a chance to be loved in a very special way then he is blessed. I don't think I have been blessed in that special way yet. But I have to ask myself what is love? Maybe some day I can answer that question fairly and not be cynical about it. I somehow feel that Life is playing a very mean game with me.

maybe life isn't playing a game. I have been told that nobody can really love me the way I want to be loved until I love myself. Hence the question...what is love? I think I am not sure what Love is because there are a lot of strings attached to "love", in other words, conditional love. I will love you if you do..., if you are...., if you will... and so forth. I have also heard of unconditional love...a love in its purest without string attached. I think I have that with my cats, although I think they only love me because I clean their litterbox, feed them food and give them fresh bowls of water. And on occasion I let them sleep on my bed, a sweet daddy that I am. However they don't care if I am 150 lbs or 450 lbs, they love me the same. They want to be on my lap, want to snuggle in my arms like a baby that they are.

Now with both conditional love and unconditional love attempted to be defined by me. I think to love myself, I must accept myself like how my cats accepted me. A friend of myself said that she began to sing a different tune once she changed her mindset from "I will..." to "I am..." By saying things like "I am beautiful." "I am healthy" and other things, she began to appreciate herself a lot more than when she did before when she was in the "I will..." mindset. I wonder if that is something I could do with myself. I am finding myself thinking in that mode, "I will have what I want when I am 250 lbs lighter" or "I will finally find a boyfriend when I lose more weight." I know I am not appreciating myself as who I am right now. Something for me to think about. I hope this also prompts someone else to think about this in his/her life.

"You were loved" By Wynonna Judd (for Touched by An Angel)

We all want to make our place in this world;
We all want our voices to be heard.
Everyone wants a chance to be someone;
We all have dreams we need to dream,
But sweeter than any star you can reach
Is when you reach and find you've found someone.
You'll hold this world's most priceless thing,
The greatest gift this life can bring,
If you can look back and know
You were loved.

chours
You were loved by someone,
Touched by someone,
Held by someone,
Meant something to someone,
Loved somebody,
Touched somebody's heart along the way.
You can look back and say,
You were loved.

You can have diamonds in your hand,
Have all the riches in the land,
Without love do you really have a thing.
When someone cares that you're alive,
When someone finds their world in your eyes,
Then you'll know you've found all you need.
You'll hold this world's most priceless prize,
The sweetest treasure in this life,
If you can look back and know
You were loved.

chours

So many roads that you can take,
Whatever way you go,
Don't take that road alone.
Better you know....

You were loved by someone,
Touched by someone,
Held by someone,
Meant something to someone,
Loved somebody,
Touched somebody's heart along the way.
You can look back and say,
You did OK
You were loved.

So remember to tell that one,
You are loved.

The Rose by Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

One Heart

One heart so precious,
Worth more than a queen's crown,
Brighter than a star's glimmer,
More beautiful than Rembrandt's painting.

A heart that beats to love,
Its purpose is to give,
Spreading love to the world.
Will the heart reap love?

Never knowing what comes back,
The heart holds on to the faith
That another heart is out there.
A perfect blend with this heart,
For both hearts beat to love.

For now, the heart wonders,
Should it close its shell tighter than Fort Knox,
Build a moat with piranhas in it,
Just so the heart would not be broken.

For the heart so precious,
Worth more than the rarest diamond,
Brighter than the full moon,
More beautiful than rose petals.

I am writing this post because Lolypup wants to know more about my roommate and what job I am doing, so here it is.

1) My roommate is a great guy that I met online a month prior to moving back to Columbia, MO. When we met in person, we clicked and became best friends. He has adopted me as a "sistah" and his family loves me. My mom thinks he is my boyfriend but the truth is...N O, he is not.

2) My job, you all would love to know. I work for a textbook exchange company in the warehouse. So for those who are/was gally students, your textbooks came from this company.

As for the warehouse work, I would work in different positions from unloading/unpacking boxes, sorting books, shelving books, pulling books, packing books, and loading books into trucks. It looks like a fun job and it will keep me busy and moving. I am happy with that because I do want to be physically active.
3) Good news!!!! I have gotten slimmer, I now wear one size smaller in shirts and two size smaller in pants. Will find out the total weight loss in three months time span and overall 7 months when I go to the doctor in 2 weeks. But as of two weeks ago, I lost 35 lbs total since September 1, 2005. I never thought I will see my weight go down below 450 lbs. I am hoping that by my birthday, 8/21, that I will be around 400 lbs +/- 15 lbs.