A brief note to follow up with today's posting. I did a 2 mile walk and I caught myself walking with the mental vision of me being an Adonis, and I am happy that I was thinking like that. I visualized myself as a furnace burning the calories and shrinking the fat cells. This is my truth.

Reading the previous day's comments had given me an idea of what I need and want to write about in this post. A couple of people want to hear about something different, one wants it to be about sex or at least read about my ever-exciting sex life. I thought about that and have decided that perhaps there a way I can satisfy my readers' thirst for knowing about my sex life and for my quest in searching for the answers to What is Truth?

The truth about me is that I am a very sexual being, but it is not the context of sex that I enjoy the most. It is the development of the relationship and appreciation of romance with the person I am with. Sex is just an action that is dedicated by hormones and desires, while the romance and the development of relationship is so much more than being controlled by my "package" . It is important to me because I want the romance and the relationship. My heart desires that. Is it part of the Truth that sometime in my life I would have that kind of loving romantic relationship with another person that I can love completely and limitless? Who knows. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

For so long, I craved for something different, I craved that I would look like a sexy Adonis with 6 pack abs, big bulging biceps and strong pectoral muscle. I would be so disappointed when I look at the mirror and see the truth of what I look like and how that didn't match what I saw myself in my mind. Thus the vicious cycle of comforting myself with food because I wasn't happy with myself, therefore continuing the weight gain and not going anywhere near being an Adonis. I often wondered where did that idea that I need to be an Adonis? Many would say that the media is instilling that desire in us because Sex sells...Unfortunately I don't think the Media is to be blamed wholly. My parents have repeatly told me that if I lost weight, I would be much more attractive and would have people flocking at me. I internalized those statements and made it my truth. I have lived with it and for a while I have realized that lot of my truth are not in harmony with The Truth.

How do I change that? I need to learn to be patient with myself and rewrite those internalized statements so that eventually the new statements will encourage me to be more confident about myself and appreciate what I see when I look in the mirror. I am thankful for Bruce Davis for writing Monastery Without Walls. Today I was reading about vow of chastity, and I learned that chastity does not mean celibacy, which is good for me. However, there is an excerpt which I want to share with you all.

Many people are critical of the vow of chastity because of the implied celibacy. But the real issue is finding a way that yields the white snow of the stillness inside of us...Each being must find the true relationship with his or her sexuality, which is the physical life force coming from the silence into physical being.

So in this process, I hope to develop a true relationship with my sexuality so that once again my truth will be harmonious with The Truth.

Ahh, new entry for another day...What can I say? Today has been a weird day. My roommate came home and told me that I owed the library lots of money for an overdue book. I swore that I remembered renewing the book. She said that the library print out shows that one book was never renewed. Now that got me wondering what happened to my truth, did I dream those moments and made them real? But who cares, right?

This evening I took a walk to clear up my head and get some fresh air. I stopped by a local hoagie cafe and had a nice bbq chicken sandwich. I sat down at a table at the big window and I did some people watching while I ate and read a little. The most interesting thing came up in my mind as I watched those people. I saw people that reminded me of people that I know from DC, from Missouri, from other places I have traveled. That was a bit scary for me because I realized that I have reached to a point where I can look back into my memory and know that I have lived for 28 years and have done so much to reach to this point in my life. I may not be satisfied with what is my life at the moment, because my vision of my own truth isn't the same as the Truth. I need to change that, in time I know that the more I let go of my own truth, my life will then be in harmony with The Truth.

Speaking of being in Harmony with the Truth, there is a water fountain on the corner of King and Calhoun street here in Charleston, SC. The fountain itself has six benches, and on the back there are engravings. I am going to share with you 4 of them because the 5th and 6th benches said "Dedicated by the citizens of Charleston" and "Marion Square", yes that is important but not revalant to the point I am trying to make in this paragraph.

Will it be beneficial to all concerned? Will it bring Good Will and better friendships? Is it the Truth? Is it fair to all concerned?

I think those are good questions to ask when we enter any situations that requires us to evaluate what is the truth of the moment. When we do take the time to answer those questions, we will find that sometime the situation is not what it appears to be and that we need to do something to change it. The more consistent our truth becomes, our lives will be with the Truth.

Well, the final hour of the day has approached, I still haven't decided what I want to write about for today's entry. I did spend a couple of hours in the sun this afternoon and wrote a lengthy entry, but I can't publish that entry until the 12th of this month. I suppose we will have to be patient and wait for that post.

After searching through a few files on my computer, I finally came up with a topic that I want to talk about. AHA! I am going to confess here that I tend to do one thing that irks most people and it irks me too because it drives me crazy when I realized that what is really happening isn't what my mind came up with. Making assumption is a bad trait of mine because it makes an ass out of you and me. How is assumption related to What is Truth? Assumption is the other side of the coin of perception. One side of the coin is verbalizing the "truth" and the other side is creating "truth" in the mind.

Assumption, in my opinion, makes more trouble for me than anything because just give me one word or a phrase and I can go anywhere, I can build an entire story based on that one phrase. It doesn't help me nor allow me to keep peace with what is going on at the moment. For example, I have a friend who loves to chat with me and hug me at a bar. From this action, I assumed that he may have liked me the way I want him to like me so I would do everything I could to spark his romantic interest in me. But what turned out was, he wasn't interested in me romantically. He only wanted to be friends with me because he adores me as a person, not as a boyfriend but as a friend. Of course I felt awful and felt like my romantic heart was torn in two because of that. I believe this whole thing would have been easier if I didn't assumed that he liked me in a romantic way.

don Miguel Ruiz wrote this book, The Four Agreements. I have shared the first two agreements. 1) Be Impeccable with your words, 2) Don't take anything personally. In this post, I would like to introduce the third agreement. Don't make assumptions. Ruiz goes on to explain what he meant by not making assumptions.

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Letting things be as they are at the moment, I believe would allow us to experience the moment far more appreciatively than if we kept assuming about things and what people say. I hope I do learn to let things be.

I just thought I will share with my readers where I have been in America. I have never traveled out of America. Here is the map of America and all the states I have been to.



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

Typing this entry on my palm pilot because apparently the power company decided to shut off the electricity to the apartment I am living in. For whatever reason they did that, I don't care. I am just happy that I get to type this on my PDA while waiting for my roommate to handle this problem. One thing I like about living in an apartment that includes the utilities is that no chance of this ever happening because I am not responsible for paying the bill and the power company won't shut off the electricity on me.

Anyway, let me move forth with my next journal entry on the search for the meaning of truth. I have scribbled some ideas while I do the 2 miles daily walk, from numerous blog I read on regular basis and books that I read. Today's entry will be focusing on a couple of ideas that were inspired from the book that I am currently reading, Monastery Without Walls (MWW).

The first idea is focusing on our own shortcomings or at least what we think are our shortcomings. According to the MWW, shortcomings are things like pride, arrogance, self-importance, aggression, fear, anger and so forth. As long as we have those shortcomings, we are far away from the quietness of the nothingness. Therefore from my earlier entries, that the Truth comes from nothingess which pretty much sums up that as long as we have shortcomings, we are no where near the Truth. So I have a choice here to accept this rationale as truth in my life or to reject it. I suppose it is a food for thought. I would like to share with you a lengthy quote from MWW.

Pride blinds us to believing 'I' is more important than 'we', attaches us to self instead of opening us to the silence. Pride and sacredness are opposites. This is why the sacred presence demands so much of us to know its reality. We are called to empty ourselves, to turn ourselves inside out if necessary until we are empty of everything but the pure desire for what is within the silence.

I would think that emptying ourselves out would require huge effort on our part in letting go of the past. For me, it will require me to let go of the resentments, the pain, the anger and unrealistic expectations for myself, and just let myself be empty. Maybe some day I will be able to achieve that. This process cannot be done overnight, it will require patience. Most of us who have been in a Christian background would know this famous scripture that is often time quoted, "patience is a virtue." I never really understand the importance of patience until I open myself up to the exploration of "What is Truth?"

Patience is very important in this busy world because Bruce Davis, the author of Monastery Without Walls, said it the best way possible.

The practice of patience in living, in having, in being relieved, in being waited upon, comforted and fed, in dying, brings us so much of the nature of silence itself. Patience teaches us to be less impulsive with our wishes and more open to the silence and a greater will for us. Patience watches as we wrestle with our emotions. Patience witnesses all our inner battles until we accept the peace in patience. We are invited to be patient in all things. Being patient in suffering lessens the pain and fear that it will last forever. Being patient in joy is not to be frantic that it may be ending but to really enjoy what is presented instead. Patience prepares us for the heart of quietude.

Coming to a closure to this entry, If patience prepares us for the heart of quietude, would that mean it is also preparing us for the Truth?

Maybe I am going a little crazy with the idea of the pursuit for "What is Truth". A friend told me last night that I should consider dropping this because I will make myself crazy. I told him that The Truth is the Life and what I think is possible at this moment is that we can make our own truth, but it has to be in harmony of the Truth. So in the essence of Life lies the Truth, whether or not we like the Truth, it is there and always will be there.

Keeping in mind that The Truth is always there, I wonder if we are allowed to have our own version of truth? Like the Governor in the movie The Passion of Christ said "My truth is..." he goes on to explain that his truth compose of things that not many people may be aware of, such as an order from the Emperor. In this view, I suppose truth is our lens and our filters as we use while living on this Earth. I would think that our truth is in the state of fluctuation.

As I was walking by a huge church on King Street, in Charleston SC, I heard the bells making music in the air. My mind, some how, began race, the first thought was "The Truth shall set you free." Then there were bunch of other phrases that came up, mostly from readings I have done in the past. The interesting thing is "The Truth shall set you free." is a phrase found in the bible and was the reason why I came out of the closet and left church. I told myself that if I want to honor God as a good Christian should do, I couldn't live a lie. To not be open about being gay is living in a lie. I couldn't handle that.

The truth remains, no, the aftermath of realizing that Truth shall set me free has indeed set me free to experience life in many ways. I am not saying that all of my experiences in the past 7 years since I came out of the closet as a gay person has been incredible and wonderful. The experience has been a growing experience in all ways possible. I was set free from constant battle of denying my true self as a gay person to where I can experience the good and bad parts of life as a person. Being gay isn't the entire component of my life. I am Tomas, that is who I have been, currently am and will be. I am being honest with myself and with the world with who I am.

As my mind continues to fill up with phrases and comments, the next phrase that stopped me for a moment and I had to take notice of this particular question. Does Truth and Honest mean the same thing? I do have to admit that my brain is a bit crazy, because I had a full debate session in my brain auditorium on the resolution that Truth and Honest are not the same thing. Truth is substance while honest is like a flashlight. When someone says "Be honest." We choose whether or not to shine that light on the whole truth, or on a little truth and tell what is in the shadow, the murky area of truth. Being honest isn't 100% fool-proof. However there isn't a way to prove that until we find the answer to What is Truth?

I am going to admit that this pursuit of What is Truth is probably the best thing that happens to me at this moment. My perception of Life is focus on Truth. I was watching an episode of Roseanne where Becky made some alcoholic drinks for her friend and herself. When her friend's mother came over and told Roseanne and Dan that Becky got her daughter drunk. When Roseanne was giving Becky the 3rd degree, Roseanne said "Are you telling me the truth?" That striked me a bit funny when I saw that line because I would expect a line like this: "Be honest! Is that all you did?" or something like that. This statement seems to support the Truth as substance and honest as a flashlight.

If Truth is a substance, then how do I rationalize the statement I read in another book, The Wisdom of Solitude by Jane Dobisz. Paraphrasing what she said is that the truth comes from nothingness. So if Truth comes from nothingness, I suppose that would mean that truth has no substance, and is just simply there in everything and nothingness. This would, then, reinforce that absolute truth is the truth.

Is Truth the absolute truth, or is Truth whatever we define Truth to be